Brian by Starlight

Jacqueline, Acceptance, and Approval

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009 — 10:17am (PDT)

Jacqueline and I never have managed to get along well for very long. I received a very unpleasant text message from her within hours of posting my last journal entry then when I visited a few days ago to spend some time with our ill son, she unloaded on me quite a bit. Among her many criticisms of me was that I supposedly treat her "like shit" when I write critical assessments of her behavior in this journal. One irony of that assertion is that I would likely not have written my last entry if she had simply taken the time to peacefully talk things through to understanding instead of raising her voice, calling me names, and hanging up on me.

One of many things Jacqueline has never seemed to fathom is that she has always been very dear to me. I wouldn't be nearly so hurt by her words, her actions, or her lack of either if not for the fact that they have meant so much to me—both in what they are and in what they are not. For nearly half of my life I have wanted her acceptance and her approval, but rarely felt either. This absence may have been even greater because it echoed those in my relationships with my parents, who have never seemed to accept me or approve of much I've said or done.

After talking with a rather upset Jacqueline a few days ago, I've been thinking about our long relationship in its many different stages and times and I think I may finally understand what has hurt her most in our relationship: she hasn't felt enough acceptance and approval. What seems to have hurt her most seems to have been one of the things that hurt me most—just in the other direction.

I don't know how to change how I feel about the past except perhaps in some cases to talk things through, but that no longer seems to be an option with Jacqueline. I tried and she reluctantly talked for a while, but ultimately, she stopped and refused to continue—a point she punctuated with swearing, name-calling, and general verbal abuse.

That brings me back to my contemplations. Back to approval. Back to acceptance.

I can never approve of some things Jacqueline has said and done, but I can accept that those things are in the past. I think it is perfectly reasonable to disapprove of a person's particular words and actions, but still accept and approve of that person in general. Most people do it every day. We need to. Otherwise, we would likely be miserable and unable to function very well in social contexts.

Jacqueline and I have a long past together and she seems to have felt too much of my disapproval about the past to realize that I have mostly approved of her anyway and that I have accepted in good faith that our future could be better than our past. We represent ourselves to others not through our first thoughts or inclinations, but through our actual words and actions. Thus, while I have taken particular issue with Jacqueline's deceits, I still accept that she can choose to be honest and straightforward whenever she likes.

I think Jacqueline is basically a good person who has made some very bad decisions. I do not think those bad decisions necessarily define her; I do think she can make better ones in the future. I could not have loved her so deeply or for so long otherwise.

Perhaps things would have been different between Jacqueline and me if I had been able to make her feel more acceptance and approval. Perhaps those feelings would have precluded her bitterness and resent toward me and we could have been true friends.