Brian by Starlight

Jacqueline, Disposition, and Truth

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009 — 8:42pm (PDT)

I just had my latest call with Jacqueline in which she raised her voice and said unpleasant things while I remained calm and attempted, as usual, to be diplomatic. She said things that were not true, as usual (for example, stating as she has for many years what I want or what something means to me even though such assertions are almost always not only false, but completely without merit), and when I objected, she defended her assertions by saying that they aren't lies if she believes them. That's actually an interesting point. I'll come back to it.

As far as I know, none of us can truly know the thoughts or feelings of another. Part of what bothers me about Jacqueline's false assertions is that she states them as facts. Another part is that while she is rather specific in making such assertions, she tends to do so without presenting any supporting evidence whatsoever—let alone any truly compelling evidence. I'll give an example.

If Jacqueline were to say that she did not think I truly cared about her or our son, that would be one thing. Her thought would definitely be false (I have always cared about Jacqueline and of course I care about our son), but the assertion overall would be qualified by her claim to it and thus potentially true regardless of the truth or falsity of the qualified assertion. I have rarely heard Jacqueline make such qualified assertions, though; rather, she tends to make sweeping statements of fact—unqualified, unsupported, and indeed unwarranted.

I cannot say with certainty what Jacqueline thinks or feels about very many things, but I think it is safe to say that she harbors some very deep and very negative feelings for me. I think it is also safe to say that when she says she does not care about me—not about how I am doing, how or what I feel, or what I think—she is not telling the truth. I say this both because I believe she previously cared for and about me to an extent that would preclude such outright dismissal in a person of normal emotional capacity and also because she tends to be rather upset when she claims it. If she truly doesn't care about or for me, why become so heated about it—especially over two months after we stopped seeing each other romantically (and even longer since she, by her own admission, stopped trying to make our supposedly romantic relationship work)?

But what if I am wrong in presuming Jacqueline to be of normal emotional capacity? And what if she does truly believe the things she says even when they are obviously false?

I care a great deal about Jacqueline—I have for about half of my life, whether we have been together or apart—and that may be why it hurts so much when she says things about me that are not true. Tonight, she said our whole relationship is a game to me (at least, I think our relationship is what she meant by the context of "everything"). It wasn't the first time. Why would she even think such a thing, let alone say it? It doesn't make any sense to me.

Jacqueline has a history of manipulating people to get what she wants. By her own admission, she has pushed my buttons for effect and also by her own admission, she has and remains willing to lie to suit her own ends. I could cite plenty of examples, but there doesn't seem to be much point in doing so. Jacqueline seems unlikely to admit error, apologize, or convincingly demonstrate remorse.

I won't pretend that I don't care at all about or for Jacqueline; I don't see how I ever could be completely devoid of feelings toward a woman who has meant so much to me and with whom I have a child. Jacqueline has hurt me repeatedly and deeply, but I still have fond feelings for her and I wish her well. If I can look past her lies and other unpleasant words and deeds with a friendly disposition toward her, why can't or won't she be even half as friendly toward me?